Crazy Performative Asian Parents

We’ve all heard of Crazy Rich Asians.

But have you heard about the Crazy Performative Asian Parents?

I’ve often debated whether I should write about this topic. Like, who am I to talk about how other parents act? But then it is a topic that I find quite fascinating and I love to understand why.

So … be it. Let’s just share.

When I say “performative”, I’m talking about the parents lining up certificates, trophies, and competitions for their kids, as young as, I don’t know, 3 years old? Also the ones who outsource most of their kids’ childhood experiences to a helper, teacher, or playhouse staff.

The performative culture here in Hong Kong

One day last year, Avery was at a swimming contest.

We never expected a 3-year-old to be competing in swimming, that’s madness. But since her swimming coach invited her and it was kicking her legs with a float board, we thought it would be a fun experience to let her take part and get a feel.

There was no expectation. We certainly weren’t there to win. And if she couldn’t finish, that’s alright.

Frankly, from my hazy memory, I recall my daughter finishing last, and we were both super proud that she completed it. We celebrated with McDonald’s!

While we were waiting and watching the other kids swim, a parent came up and we started chit-chatting.

Then came a moment that stuck with me.

She laughingly highlighted, “… we joined this swimming club ONLY because we wanted this certificate.”

So the kid already had a swimming coach, but joined yet another swimming club (likely with more swimming classes) just because his parents want to get another certificate.

Wow.

That was quite some effort.

That was a performative parenting moment.

And the truth is that this is not shocking but normal here in Hong Kong.

It is always about getting more and more on paper.

I might be naive but I really don’t think much about “that piece of paper”. When everyone has a stack of paper to show off what they’ve done, how do you stand out?

From my own experiences in life, I rarely used a piece of paper (resume) to land new opportunities. It has always been my library of experiences and who I am that have landed things for me.. So I believe that should be the way for my kids too.

Now, another thing that fascinates me is how some parents view the bonding time with their children.

Outsourcing bonding moments

Some parents here love outsourcing.

For example, basic care to helpers (Hong Kong has almost 400,000 helpers helping families), learning to teachers at school or instructors at various centers, and fun time to playhouse facilities.

And there are many factors contributing to this.

My top 3:

1. Parents are busier than ever with their own interests and pursuits
2. Taking care of kids is no-joke exhausting
3. Most importantly to me, parents don’t know how to craft experiences

Parents simply don’t know how to create these moments themselves, so they sign their kids up for more classes, more competitions, more clubs. More of everything. Basically anything that looks enriching.

They’ve done their part in identifying the source of experiences, and now the responsibility is on the other people they’ve hired.

This is outsourcing parenting.

But I’m not that extreme. I’m not talking about how parents should outsource nothing. That’d be crazy as well, given how busy we all are. If I don’t know how to teach swimming, I'd better outsource this to someone who has a structured way of guiding my kids.

I’m talking more about the default choice when it comes to “getting new experiences”. From what I see, most parents immediately look for places to go so that the facilities or staff of those places are responsible for the job. Only a handful of parents get creative and build those experiences themselves.

Honestly, I sometimes catch myself doing the same thing. I’d get on the phone and search “places to go in Hong Kong for kids”.

But every now and then, I remind myself:

It’s not about where we go. It’s about what we do.

Here’s an example. One day, we had a bit of time at home. I needed to figure out something to engage the girls, so I told them we were going on an airplane.

“What airplane?”

I pulled out some chairs and placed them in the center of the living room. Found a YouTube video showing the window view from a flying aircraft (if you’re curious, click here). Printed a few boarding passes.

“Off we go. Let’s go to the airport, girls!”

We had a ton of fun for an hour. We were interacting as parents and kids. We were acting and laughing. It requires no playhouse facilities, no extra manpower, and not even a dollar. Role playing is the best.

About acquiring new experiences, having some new activities to do is definitely cool. I’d love that for my girls. But it’s also about what we think success looks like. Do you want to send your kids away to enrich their lives, or do you want to spend time to bond with them?

To me, it is about striking a balance. In my view, a lot of parents are skewed towards outsourcing.

Speaking of success, it all connects back to the ultimate game here - getting into a good school.

The school-based childhood

Let me just say it out loud:

A lot of kids’ lives are centered around “which school they can get into”, but not what kind of person they will become.

Why do parents opt for experiences like winning a swimming contest or getting a Math Olympiad certificate over role playing at home?

A big part comes from the pressure to apply to schools.

Schools ask for an application, in which the parents have to showcase their child's interests, travel experiences, achievements, and such.

But that’s not really a problem if there is a wide range of good schools.

I thought about this and concluded - It is because the quality gap between schools in Hong Kong is huge.

Everyone wants their kids to go to the “top tier” ones. Otherwise, your kid’s future is “doomed” because of the environment she grows up in.

And since there is a limited number in the top tier, it naturally becomes extremely competitive. Then it reinforces parents to double down on the crazy things they’ve already been doing.

Who has time to role play at home? You can’t write that into the application.

Now you might ask me, “If you don’t like this culture, why don’t you just find a happy, chill school?”

And I’d say, “The fact that I don’t like the performative parenting culture doesn’t mean I need to stay away from the schools these parents apply to. You do you, I do me. Totally different thing.”

I think schools have their own job to do, and it is the parents' job to find a school that fits into what they want.

What I hate seeing is how the definition of achievements has been twisted.

A lot of parents fill those five pages with achievements: certificates, awards, things you can print and point to. The visible things.

But to me, achievements are invisible.

It’s her maturity. Her values. How she carries herself.

It’s her attitude. Her behavior toward other people.

It’s her thinking. Her way of breaking down a situation and reacting.

Avery has been going to dance classes because we want her to build up confidence with her own body, stand in front of an audience with her head up and a big smile, and find her own groove with music (a beautiful thing in life).

One time, her dance teacher mentioned a mini performance. We thought: great, time to see how her confidence has built up. We were super curious whether she enjoyed getting on stage too.

This is how she did:

The way she practiced, got ready before going on, performed her best, and felt that she had a fabulous time = how achievements look to my wife and me.

My wife and I have talked about this. When it is our turn to apply to schools, we don’t want to focus on building a portfolio of printed achievements. We want to share our daughter’s true self along with our own philosophy of raising our children.

But honestly, what I really want to see is for the school faculty to interact with Avery, then they will know what kind of a person she is.

Stuck with the default parenting path

Most parents are not educators, so I don’t expect them to know.

So far, I mind my own business to focus on my own ways to raise my two girls. Even with writing this essay, I don’t see myself as judging what other parents do.

It is more that everyone comes from a different background so they have their own reasons why they pursue parenting that way. There are also a lot of hidden things that we can’t see from the surface.

Writing this out, to me, is my hope to encourage more parents to stay away from the default parenting path - how other parents do things.

Last week, I had a chat with my first boss about music. He was in a rock band for years, so he knew music for sure.

He told me how learning music was boring for him at first, but it all clicked for him once he started composing his own songs. That’s when music came alive for him.

Then I told him my violin story. I was learning classical pieces and theories and I was bored out of my mind. I eventually told my violin teacher “I quit”.

The two approaches to picking up music yielded totally different results. One is fun and enjoyable. One is boring and soulless.

Now with Avery, we’re trying a different way. We love the piano. It’s such a powerful, creative instrument. But most teaching methods? Boring.

Luckily we found a young, modern teacher.

I was in the room for the 1st lesson, and my mind was blown.

How does Avery learn the piano?

The teacher asks what her favorite songs are (Disney, of course). Then they create the notes on the computer, print them out right away, and play them together. Concepts are taught as they play Avery’s favorite song of the time.

This is learning through interest.

It’s playful. It’s alive.

It’s powerful.

I especially appreciate the part where they create music first and then play to enjoy it. They are not simply flipping open a textbook and playing random sounds that my daughter doesn’t appreciate.

Seriously, my wife and I both want to learn from this teacher. This is the way.

This is one example of a non-default parenting path. What if the kids are not learning piano to put “piano” on their school application, but to learn about music?

A sharing, not a lesson

Of course, this is just from my single perspective. I know it’s limited and skewed.

I mainly want to share and make my “best guess” about what is happening to cause these actions.

One thing I’m very encouraged by is that I know more and more parents are finding their way out of this toxic culture. That gives me hope.

I’m not here to tell anyone how to parent.

After all, I sometimes still catch myself falling into the same traps, especially about “outsourcing experiences”. It is hard!

But if there’s one thing I hope to hold onto, it’s this:

Experience doesn’t mean going places.

Achievement doesn’t mean collecting proof.

Parenting doesn’t mean performing.

Happy parenting!